11 months ago
Thursday, March 12, 2009
What does it mean to be a "wife"?
So, one of the hardest things for me in contemplating the fact that I will be married in six months is the idea of becoming a "wife." I will be someone's wife. Being a sister or a daughter hasn't felt like such a defining label. I couldn't imagine being anyone's wife but my sweetie's, but still. In part its that getting married involves giving up your independence, something that I have always cherished (if you talk to my parents they will tell you that I tried to win my independence from them way before my time). I am looking forward to all the positives of being married. For us that includes seeing each other every day. I really hope that we aren't approaching this whole married things with rose-colored glasses. We acknowledge, for example, that being around each other much more than we have become accustomed to seeing each other will (at times) drive both of us a little crazy. But I still am struggling with the idea of becoming a wife--a new and scary creature. Part of me recognizes that this is silly. That I will still be me and that my honey will still be my honey after the wedding. Perhaps it's that I feel like being a wife involves more responsibility, which I don't quite feel up to. Perhaps it's the perfectionist in me that knows that despite how hard I try, I will fail from time to time to be a "good wife," whatever that means and that is scared at failing. Maybe I just need to come up with a new word instead of wife that I might be more comfortable with... any thoughts on what that might be?
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4 comments:
I've been struggling with this one. I have so many images in my head of what it means to be a 'wife', and none of them are especially pleasing. Unfortunately, they mostly relate to staying at home and taking care of the house and kids full time, neither of which I plan to do. Interesting how all these identity issues come out... one married friend told me, if you're having identity issues now, don't change your name when you get married.
That's an interesting response, especially since I am planning to change my name. Although it's something I go back and forth about. Something to think about. Good thing I will have plenty of time to make up my mind on that one :)
A very interesting comment indeed. While changing your name has symbolic value, and practical implications down the line, I can see that it also could strip away a feeling of comfort, continuity, and identity.
In all growth, there is a spectrum from Ease to Stretch to Stress. We cannot grow in ease, but if we push to hard we injure ourselves - mentally, emotionally, and physically. We need to listen to our minds, our emotions, our bodies and challenge ourselves to stretch without pushing too far and risking injury.
I think that is the problem with seeing marriage as a binary change - today I am fiance, tomorrow I am wife/husband. This is like saying today I am couch potato, tomorrow marathon runner. I think marriage is a challenging process of growth, and our commitment is not to the result - to being a good wife or husband - but to process of growing in ourselves and our relationship.
As to the fraught terminology of "wife", I would suggest the following as possible alternatives:
- Friend
- Companion
- Partner
- Lover
- Co-Chair of the Love Committee
- She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed (you might need to google this one)
love, Fiance
p.s. Your blog is making me type in "Warch" before I can post a comment. What kind of word is Warch? Sounds Scottish ("I'm going to warch the tele").
Thank you for making me laugh and being so open and understanding, fiance. I love you too!
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